Headhunters: The Dirty Dozen
Introduction In a week that amounted to little more than a bye for the twelve teams that survived, we finally say goodbye to the last holdout of managers who were in the league but not actively participating. In Memorium: Philip's Team All good things come to an end, and apparently so do all bad things because Philip's Team has finally been eliminated. The embodiment of a slap in the face to FFDraftScott and Out of Luck, Philip's Team was just about as craptastic a squad as you could put together. They were starting Kyle Rudolph as a third tight end (averaging 2 points per game). Kenyan Drake and Ito Smith were their starting runningbacks. Baker Mayfield just put up 0.20 more than my neighbor's dog on MNF. They scored a miserable 96.13 in total this week. The team was feasting off of Mark Andrews and Chris Godwin and sneaking by, one week actually finishing 7th. But it turns out having both Tampa Bay wideouts was not the best strategy, and I use the term strategy loosely because I know that autodrafting and not setting a lineup doesn't count as strategy. While many see this as proof that the Fantasy Gods don't exist, I see this as validation. The moment Philip's Team started a bye week player, they were cut down in embarrassing fashion. What more proof do we need? I still believe. All in all, pretty shitty "experiement" run by Phil to see how long he could last by doing absolutely nothing. Turns out not very long. I tried that same one back in college during the two semesters I took of Spanish. Needless to say that also went poorly. Anyway, I have a new experiment I'm going to try out next year. It's called "replace Phil with someone who actually wants to play." I'll update everyone on the results. And while we loathe Philip's Team, it is all good between us and real life Phil. I could not be happier for him as he purchased a new home last month and his Saints seem well on their way to another playoff heartbreaker. Best of luck in all things except fantasy, my neglectful friend. And until we meet again, adios amigo (nailed it). Philip's Team: New Releases For yet another week we are graced with a deep pool of wide receivers. As many teams are now saving for RB talent, it will be interesting to see how another wave of pass catchers gets divvied up. #DeAndre Hopkins #Chris "the gawd" Godwin #Mike Evans #Mark Andrews #Baker Mayfield (I guess?? This team blows) Week Five Bidding Results Bid Bullets: *Learning absolutely nothing from last week's bids on Davante Adams, Bad Boys blew his load on Julio and overbid by $241. A week-long philosophical debate over the values of Jones and Lockett followed, at the conclusion of which none of us were any closer to justifying the obscene amount spent on one player. But that wasn't nearly the most tragic overbid of the day. *Imagine waking up to finding out you spent your last dollar on Carson Wentz, a player no one else bid on? And then to pour salt in the wound you get to watch the other available QB, Russell Wilson (who went for peanuts) absolutely ball out on the national stage right in your grill? This is Neck-Fix's reality, as their $168 was their last $168 for the duration of the next eleven weeks. *Guilloteam was busy this week, winning two bids and coming in second on another two. The guy clearly wants to spend his money irresponsibly. Allen Robinson for $200??? *But I'm one to talk, I bid $251 on a TE after Zach Ertz already went for $51 less than that earlier in the season when everyone still had their money. Talk about not paying any attention. *Henry VIII is also the latest to inherit the curse that is DJ Moore. He is the player's fourth owner and no one else even dared to place a bid. The DJ Moore curse now runs up against a force more powerful than any in the LOC Universe: the Matt Jinx. Your Financial Portfolio *Best Investor: Guilloteam *Worst Investor: Chris P Week Five Results * Biggest Climber: Neck-Fix and Chill (up 11 spots) * Biggest Faller: Chris P's Neat Team (down 6 spots) Narrow Defeats Here is a brand new weekly chart showing the margin of defeat for last place teams. Kings of the Castle # Chris P's Neat Team - First week scoring under 200 but a respectable score considering they had no Davante Adams and both their TEs, (Waller/Dissly) under-performed. Two starters on bye this week and Sammy Watkins hurt so they really need Adams back. # Al Snow's Fav Squad - Christian "The Human Cheat Code" McCaffrey scored a respectable, but not great, 66.65 points this week. Not to be outdone, Cooper put up a casual 54.00. Outside of that, it was actually unimpressive for Al Snow. Six of their starters underperformed. They have the finances to bolster their WR corp this week with some decent talent on the market. # The Guilloteam - It's all good for Guilloteam. All their starters hit double digits with the exception of Dorsett, who got hurt on the first series and missed the entire game. The group has no perceivable weaknesses and has plenty left in the bank to grab top tier talent as the bottom-feeders are weeded out. Sneaky my favorite team to win it all which is awful news for Guilloteam because I'm wrong about everything. Huge bye week with no Jacobs, Gore, Robinson, and Beasley. # Cam Shaft - Speaking of under the radar, it is all working for Cam Shaft after a shaky start to the season. Wilson looks like the franchise QB for the title run, and their WR group is big time deep. They didn't even start DJ Chark this week and they still broke 200. TE is their weakest position, with Jimmy Graham and Jack Doyle. # Wrath of Saquon - momma scooped up Henry VIII's garbage (Jared Cook) and started him for 14.70 fantasy points this week, and word on the street is that Hunter Henry may be back as soon as this week. Get Henry and Barkley back in there and this momma is Jared Cooking. On the Chopping Block # Henry VIII - Nyheim Hines outscoring your WR1 and WR2 is not a good sign, but this week's unleashing of Kerryon Johnson, Melvin Gordon, and Dalvin Cook should be a decent show to behold. This team's flex positions are embarrassingly weak and the sustainability of the QB position with only Winston on the roster is questionable. # Bad Boys - Bad Boys was a Deshaun Watson away from being eliminated this week, but if if was a skiff we could all go for a ride. Stefon Diggs STINKS and he still outscored Julio Jones this week, so I'm not exactly sure what the hell is going on with Bad Boy's WR corp. Needless to say, they do not have the money left to bid big on the guys out there right now, so they will have to make due for several more weeks with this derelict bunch. # DogTheKareemHunter - So consistently average but they do get Kenny Golladay back so they'll be at full strength in a crucial week as they hope to hang on a few more rounds with limited funds. Rolling with Auden Tate cannot be a good feeling. Let's see what Chris Herndon can do in his opening game. # Bobecue Chicken - Bad news abounds for Bobecue as David Johnson's back has seized on him and Sterling Shepard is already ruled out with a second concussion. Kirk is coming off an injury and Tyrell Williams is on the bye. At least the Cardinals get the Falcons shitty ass defense this week at home. # Kupp for Your Cobb?- On this list strictly for changing their name to Honey Mostart. Not a terrible name but changing your name in the middle of the season is one of my biggest pet peeves and they will only ever be recognized as Kupp for Your Cobb until the day they are eliminated. Average Scores of Eliminated Teams Remaining Budget Bye Weeks *Buffalo Bills *Chicago Bears *Indianapolis Colts *Oakland Raiders I'm not sure when fantasy relevant teams are hitting the bye but it does seem like the NFL is consciously giving bye weeks to teams with very little fantasy value early on. That being said, we have guys like Mack, Jacobs, Gore, Hilton, Tyrell, and two top defenses on the bye this week. Basically Guilloteam's entire squad so we're all fine. HAPPY BIDDING!